Autumn
Autumn has always been my favourite season… from an aesthetic point of view, I love the change of colours, the way the trees change shape as their leaves fall, and the comforting orange warmth that replaces the stark white heat of the summer sun.
From a more esoteric perspective, I love the idea of rebirth; being able to watch the world around me cast off its old skin as it prepares to become something new and better is really exciting.
By the beginning of March last year I was newly separated, my husband had moved out of our home and I had just secured a new place to move to myself. I was a few days away from having surgery, and because I had no one to go to for help, I had to sneak out of the waiting area and drive myself home from the hospital when I was discharged. I packed up and moved a whole house by myself within a week after the surgery, and lived alone for several weeks until my flatmate moved in. I was stone broke, bored, and terribly lonely. I spent a lot of time staring at the walls, glass of wine in hand, wondering how my life had ended up in such a fucking mess.
With all of that going on, I obviously didnt really have time to enjoy the change of the seasons last year. While the world around me was changing, so the was the world inside me. All the hurts I was holding on to were falling away, my metaphorical branches were left bare, and while this was a good experience that made me feel free and unencumbered, I was also left incredibly vulnerable.
The chill of winter was matched only by the cold treatment I received when I allowed myself to be horribly mistreated by someone I trusted. I was in a situation I should never have allowed myself to get into, and while I would love to say that I learned from it, I obviously didnt.
Winter passed, as it always does, and spring came again. Unfortunately my new leaves were stunted by the harsh winter and didnt provide me any protection from the elements. I repeated the same behaviours and got hurt over and over again. I was weak and had no way to protect myself from others, or from myself.
Sometimes changes happen so slowly you dont notice them until they are done, at other times they are as sudden and unexpected as lightning. In the last month I’ve had a few of those strikes, but I’ve also realised that growing up and maturing has been happening without me being conscious of it.
This autumn could not have come soon enough, and I can feel the weight of these old useless leaves falling away already. I can feel it, because this year I am actually here in the moment, being present in my life. Its been a really tough year (or two), but I know that after weathering these storms and remaining standing, that it is only going to make me stronger.
Happy autumn everyone! :)
