Manda Propaganda

The title says it all… here we go:

• Last week I ordered a ladder shelf on eBay. Its a shelf that looks like a ladder. Duh. Once it arrives and gets assembled, its gonna go at the end of my bed, and I have already decided whats going to go on each of the 5 shelves. From top to bottom: candles, speakers, books and letter writing stuff, uni stuff, printer. I am more excited about this than I probably should be… its just a shelf after all!
• The speakers that go on the second shelf are a junky crackly pair my ex gave me years ago. I am watching a gorgeous bluetooth laptop speaker on eBay at the moment, and once I sell some more of my clutter, I will be able to buy it.
• Ditto with the printer. I want a sexy wireless bluetooth one.
• I’d like to take the day off work on Friday but we are short staffed since that chick finished up last week and we dont have a replacement yet. I wish they would just hire Heath and be done with it. I’d love for him to come work with me.
• I did my second ever uni assessment last night. I think I did well. Despite scoring only 6/10 on the mock assessment I was reasonably confident on 7 or 8 of the 10 questions in the real one. Should get results next week.
• I read “Room” by Emma Donoghue in less than 24 hours. What a book! Highly recommended.
• Started reading “Candide” by Voltaire straight afterwards. This is my 17th book for the year. One more and I break last years record. Nice!
• If I can stick to my budget for the next 2 months, things are going to be very peachy indeed. However, “sticking to my budget” involves resisting book buying binges… damn you Book Depository and your free shipping! Damn you to hell!
• I made a list of “32 Things To Do Before I Turn 32″. I wont be publishing it online, but the idea of doing even half the things on it is very exciting…

Yesterday was my nephews 1st birthday, so my sister and I arranged to host a party for him at her house.

We ate fairy bread, watermelon, chicken nuggets and more cubes of cheese than is generally advisable. We went to the park and played on the swings, made a menagerie of balloon animals and danced around covered in streamers.

While Nathanael looked like the Mayor of Munchkin Land in his tiny suit and tie, we dressed Scarlett like Dorothy, complete with home-made ruby slipper tennis shoes, then wrapped my brother in foil to fill the role of Tinman. Tamara wore a long wig and striped socks as the Wicked Witch and along with a balloon Toto, we went to see the Wizard.

I asked her what she was going to ask the Wizard for and she said she would ask him for a brain. I told her she already had a big brain because she was smart and good with her shapes and colours and always remembered to use her manners. Acknowledging this, she decided to ask her a heart instead. I asked her what I should request from the Wizard… she said “You can ask for courage.” How apt, I told you she’s a smart kid!

Nathanael is almost walking, but apart from “brm brm brm” doesn’t seem to show much interest in talking. While at that age, Scarlett was tearing around and getting into everything, Cookie is a lot more sedate. Maybe its his natural temperament, or because he’s a boy, but he is just such a cool dude, content to hang out and let things happen around him, preferring instead to jam pikelets in his mouth until he vomits.

Happy birthday Cookie Boy! We love you very much <3

For the past month or so, I’ve wanted to rearrange my bedroom furniture. My room is very small, so I dont have a lot of options, but specifically, I wanted to turn my bed around to face the opposite direction. Its never felt right, sleeping with my head towards the door, but I just never got around to doing anything about it.

Last night my brother was meant to come over and help me do it, but an hour before I left work he called on cancelled on me. I was not at all surprised, he cancelled the last 2 times as well. With Katie out of the house for the evening, I decided to do it myself… no small feat since my bed is too heavy to simply push around, and when I bought it a year ago it took Katie and I over 2 hours to put the damn thing together!

Sweaty, tired and sore, 90 minutes after I started, my room was the way I wanted it. I washed and dried my sheets, organised my electrical cables and applied a new decal to the wall above my bed. The room feels much more spacious, and the layout makes more sense. In fact, for the first time in almost 18 months since moving in, my room feels like home.

I sat in bed writing letters and watching Metropolis, until the combination of quiet unwinding and exhausting physical labour took its toll… I slept so well, and woke this morning from a dreamless sleep with a feeling of utter contentment.

Today is an important day… while I never believed for a moment that the event allegedly scheduled for today was actually going to happen (#vague), I am allowing myself to let go of things and act as if it were. When I see my psychiatrist tonight, I’m going to tell him all about this, and let him help me get through it. I guess thats the one good thing to come of all of this… I am no longer afraid to ask for help. I am simply greatful that I have so many people to go to for help when I need it.

Though its only Thursday, I am pretty psyched for the weekend. I’ve got a few personal projects I want to work on, and I suspect that the focused attention will have a positive impact on my happiness. Not that my happiness needs a lot of work, in fact, I cant remember the last time I felt this genuinely content.

Unlike the last time I felt this good, my mood isn’t based on any external forces, instead, I am just pleased with the progress I have made mentally and emotionally in the last month and the potential I see for further progress.

Of course, a road trip, a few days away with a good friend, and then a long weekend with the house to myself certainly contributed to my current sense of well being, but as well as having such lovely distractions from my problems, it would be foolish to deny the simple truth that time heals all wounds.

When I said the words “this too shall pass”, I didn’t totally believe it. But it is passing, and each day I realise how much I don’t miss the things I once thought I couldn’t live without.