In the light of the sun
Is there anyone?
Oh it has begun
Oh dear you look so lost
Eyes are red and tears are shed
This world you must’ve crossed

You said, you don’t know me, you don’t even care
oh yeah
You said, you don’t know me, you don’t wear my chains
oh yeah

Essential yet appealed
Carry all your thoughts
Across an open field
When flowers gaze at you
They’re not the only ones
Who cry when they see you

You said, you don’t know me, you don’t even care
oh yeah
Well you said, you don’t know me, and you don’t wear my chains
oh yeah

She said I think I’ll go to Boston
I think I’ll start a new life
I think I’ll start it over
Where no one knows my name
I’ll get out of California
I’m tired of the weather
I think I’ll get a lover
And fly him out to Spain

I think I’ll go to Boston
I think that I’m just tired
I think I need a new town
To leave this all behind
I think I need a sunrise
I’m tired of the sunset
I hear it’s nice in the Summer
Some snow would be nice
oh yeah

Boston
Where no one knows my name…

- Augustana

Listen to it here.

I have now turned 30.

I had all these big plans regarding what my birthday post would be about…

For the last few days I planned on writing about how age is just a number, and how the human spirit is essentially ageless, but then as I got ready for work this morning I received a text message from the boy I like and with a smile inspired by doing something memorable to mark the minute of my birth, I thought of writing about all the things and people I feel fortunate to have in my life. Later in the morning the boy indicated that he didnt want to be with me and, suddenly deflated, I considered writing about how life is a massive practical joke, setting you up for fall after fall.

After lunch, and a chat with a close friend, I realised that most of what I am disappointed about in life are things that I never had, and therefore never had to lose, so I pondered the subject of emotional maturity, and the moment when you outgrow childish fantasy and accept that life simply “is”; only disappointing or fulfilling based on what you expect of it, and how having high hopes and optimism is a foolish move for anyone who wants to be happy in the long run.

My work day drew to a close and I headed home. Standing at the traffic lights I felt a touch on my shoulder and there next to me was a friend from high school who I had not seen for a long while. We promised to catch up soon, and as I continued my journey I considered how random it was to have run into her today of all days, and thought that musing over the comings and going of people in your life would make for an interesting post.

The mother rang me as I waited for my bus, but the idea of writing about the woman who brought me into the world was more than I could bear. My father didnt even contact me today, so I decided against writing about him either. My brother actually didnt contact me either, but dwelling on the men in my life and how they disappoint me only led me back to the previously dismissed subject of unmet expectations.

Once home, I intended to have a night of taking photos, watching DVDs, knitting and reading… the things that make me happiest. But I didnt do any of them. I drank wine, ate a fairly unoriginal dinner and settled in front of some rubbish television.

So I decided not to write anything, except to say that I am now 30, and I am as OK with that as can be expected, under the circumstances. I feel a little empty right now, not sad, but certainly introspective. Despite that, this is the best birthday I have had in years.

Being an intelligent free-thinker with an open mind and an abundant sense of apathy, I often hold opinions about things that very few agree with, or at least, that very few would admit to agreeing with.

But because I’m such a nice person, unless I’m playing devils advocate with someone who I know wont take my opposing view as a personal attack, I try to keep my voice of dissent as quiet as possible. Not today though!

Here are the first 5 things that come to mind that I haven’t talked about because I’m likely to cop shit about it:

1. When a car full of drunk teenagers crashes into a tree, rolls down an embankment and bursts into flames, the first thing that comes to mind is: DARWINISM.
2. I applaud the decision of the airlines that charge fat people extra. If you’re gonna use 2 seats, you should pay for 2 seats. Extend this to movies, concerts, public transport. Tax the fatties!
3. Building suicide barriers on bridges is not going to solve the problem. People who want to die will find a way. Making it hard wont make them any less dead in the end.
4. If your young child is hit by a car, drowns in a pool or ingests oven cleaner and dies while unsupervised, the world will call you a bad parent. You know why? BECAUSE YOU ARE A BAD PARENT.
5. Climate change is bullshit. The climate has changed before, and its gonna change again. We as a species dont deserve to survive it. The Homo Sapien is a failed mutation. Its time to abdicate the throne and let the next alpha species take over. On this point, everyone should lend their ear to the late great George Carlin, as he said it better than I ever could.

Forget the pretty sparkly things. Forget the fancy toys, the cute distractions, the shiny bits and pieces. All I want for my birthday is to be good enough.

I’m tired of being too smart, too dumb, too awesome, too edgy, too heartless, too intense, too sad, too brazen, too clever for my own good. I’m none of those things, I’m just me… flawed and fucked up, but willing to put in the effort and try to be better.