Manda Propaganda

The nickel dropped when I was on
My way beyond the rubicon
What did I do…?

And of the games that I can handle
None are ones worth the candle
What can I do…?

I’m a frightened, fickle person
Fighting, cryin’, kickin’, cursin’
What should I do…?

Ooh, after all the folderol,
And hauling over coals stops
What will I do…?

Can’t take a good day without a bad one
Don’t feel just to smile until I’ve had one
Where did I learn…?

I make a fuss about a little thing
The rhyme is losing to the riddling
Where’s the turn…?

I don’t want a home, I’d ruin that
Home is where my habits have a habitat
Why give a turn…?

Oh, after all the folderol
And hauling over coals stops
What did I learn…?

I am likely to miss the main event
If I stop to cry or complain again
So I will keep a deliberate pace
Let the damned breeze dry my face

Oh, mister, wait until you see
What I’m gonna be…

I’ve got a plan, a demand and it just began
And if you’re right, you’ll agree

Here’s coming, a better version of me
Here it comes, a better version of me

Here it comes… a better version of me!

- Fiona Apple

Listen to it here.

“Manda,” my sister said, “You need to date a Barista. Someone scruffy but sexy, with a crooked smile, who is good with people and always up for a chat but most importantly who is passionate about what they do… even if its just making coffee, they love what they do radiate that positive, enthusiastic energy because they have that passion in their life.”

I agreed, “A scruffy Barista who writes songs in their spare time. One with brown hair and green eyes.”

Last night I dreamed about a scruffy brown haired, green eyed boy… he was tall and slim, almost lanky, with dark features and facial hair. He was taking photos as we walked along the water somewhere, laughing at each others jokes and being silly together. It was really nice.

I cant wait to meet him!

Today marks the end of week 1 on my new meds (Lexapro).

Upside:

• I feel fine (probably related)
• I want to start running again (probably unrelated)
• I haven’t cried in a whole week (WOO!)

Downside:

• I’m very tired (probably unrelated)
• I feel nauseous (probably related)
• I haven’t written anything in a whole week (BOO!)

Overall:

• Meh
• I dont really care enough to care
• I guess thats a good thing?

Its been a week since I wrote anything more than bullet points, but every time I think of something I want to write about, it ends up being so disjointed that I resort to a meaningless list of things on my mind.

From the best weekend I’ve had in ages, each day since has brought something new to be angry about, leaving me exhausted, and disappointed in everyone, including myself.

I’m not sure where to go from here, but I do know that all I feel like doing is reading, knitting, and designing more tattoos. I don’t think I even want to go to Melbourne next month anymore.

Gee, look at that… four whole sentences.