Manda Propaganda

"Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You." - De Seuss

Despite the myriad of compliments I have received from my friends, it was the comment made by my Office Husband that really stuck with me. He said “You look like you. Like ‘you’ you! The you you’re meant to be.”

I have no idea who I am meant to be, or if I am on the right track to becoming that person, but I do know one thing, beyond a shadow of a doubt… this is who I am today. And I dig it!

Autumn has always been my favourite season… from an aesthetic point of view, I love the change of colours, the way the trees change shape as their leaves fall, and the comforting orange warmth that replaces the stark white heat of the summer sun.

From a more esoteric perspective, I love the idea of rebirth; being able to watch the world around me cast off its old skin as it prepares to become something new and better is really exciting.

By the beginning of March last year I was newly separated, my husband had moved out of our home and I had just secured a new place to move to myself. I was a few days away from having surgery, and because I had no one to go to for help, I had to sneak out of the waiting area and drive myself home from the hospital when I was discharged. I packed up and moved a whole house by myself within a week after the surgery, and lived alone for several weeks until my flatmate moved in. I was stone broke, bored, and terribly lonely. I spent a lot of time staring at the walls, glass of wine in hand, wondering how my life had ended up in such a fucking mess.

With all of that going on, I obviously didnt really have time to enjoy the change of the seasons last year. While the world around me was changing, so the was the world inside me. All the hurts I was holding on to were falling away, my metaphorical branches were left bare, and while this was a good experience that made me feel free and unencumbered, I was also left incredibly vulnerable.

The chill of winter was matched only by the cold treatment I received when I allowed myself to be horribly mistreated by someone I trusted. I was in a situation I should never have allowed myself to get into, and while I would love to say that I learned from it, I obviously didnt.

Winter passed, as it always does, and spring came again. Unfortunately my new leaves were stunted by the harsh winter and didnt provide me any protection from the elements. I repeated the same behaviours and got hurt over and over again. I was weak and had no way to protect myself from others, or from myself.

Sometimes changes happen so slowly you dont notice them until they are done, at other times they are as sudden and unexpected as lightning. In the last month I’ve had a few of those strikes, but I’ve also realised that growing up and maturing has been happening without me being conscious of it.

This autumn could not have come soon enough, and I can feel the weight of these old useless leaves falling away already. I can feel it, because this year I am actually here in the moment, being present in my life. Its been a really tough year (or two), but I know that after weathering these storms and remaining standing, that it is only going to make me stronger.

Happy autumn everyone! :)

I slept almost 11 hours last night, but I am still exhausted.

Yesterday, my sister called me at 7am to say that her contractions had started at 1am and she and Klaus were already at the hospital. I made arrangements with work, packed all the things I knew I would need and headed over to be with her.

Things moved very slowly, and by 1pm she was still only 3cm dilated. They started her on a Syntocinon drip and within 90 minutes we were on like donkey kong. Unfortunately, while things were slow, we had told family not to hurry over, so an urgent round of phone calls was made and by some miracle, everyone arrived in time.

Seeing my sister in pain was the hardest thing I have ever been through. I kept running off to get the things she needed (water, pillow, lipbalm, etc) but really, I was just happy to leave the room so I could have a cry without upsetting her more. Not that she noticed, she was in a little world of her own and doesnt actually remember much of the labour.

She did an amazing job, and at 5:17pm, Nicholas was born. He was trying to cry, but instead he just made little kitten noises, but his heart was strong and with a little oxygen to perk him up, he stayed with us for almost exactly 2 hours.

Every second of his life was filled with love and cuddles, and all the family got to hold him and say hello. He even got baptised by the hospital chaplain, which was really comforting for everyone. Eventually though, he got sleepy and his breathing became slower, and he left us at 7:20pm.

Tam and Klaus got to bathe him and dress him, and are staying in hospital until they are ready to let him go. We got hundreds of photos and heaps of video too, so his little noises will never be forgotten.

Her midwives and nurses were amazing, I was so impressed with Tessa, Kate, Margie and the whole team at Royal Womens Hospital, they were simply brilliant.

I left at around 10pm, after they got settled in for the night, and by the time I got home, Katie was already asleep. I sat on my bed, going through all the photos I took, and just let it all go. I dont think I have ever cried so much in my whole life, and have never felt so horribly helpless and alone.

If any good has come out of this experience, it is the comfort I felt being in a room with all my family, supporting each other and simply being there, sharing our love and our pain. Thats it, thats the most important thing, and I realise now I dont have room in my life for those who dont want to be there.

Thank you Nicholas, for bringing us all together. We will love you forever. xxx

After several days of anxiety and a moment or two on the verge of sheer panic, I got my blood test results back yesterday. I am not diabetic. I am not even pre-diabetic. This is fantastic news, and the relief I felt was phenomenal.

According to the test results my hormones are fine, my trace elements are all where they should be and even my cholesterol is OK (except my triglycerides are high, but duh, I’m a chub!). My blood sugars were really low, but thats mainly because it was a fasting blood test, and was to be expected.

My beautiful Russian Dr Katya has put me on several different medications though, including Metformin to help control my insulin resistance, as well as recommending I take massive doses of omega-3 on a daily basis, to assist my wellbeing.

In addition to the fistful of prescriptions, I was given 3 referrals… one to a dietician, to make sure I know how to control my energy levels and get those pesky triglycerides back where they should be; one to a sports physiologist, so I can learn to run again without aggravating my existing injuries; and one to the Black Dog Institute, and this is where the bad news starts.

Seems I have been fainting because I am stressed out of my gourd. I am literally worrying myself unconscious. This is fairly displeasing, because I honestly thought I was managing alright. The captain of my brainship however, seems to disagree.

Some time next week I will need to go and have a mood assessment with the friendly people in white coats and go from there. I already know what they are going to say, and in a way I feel like the last 12 months of my life have been leading me to this point. Its all very confronting and a little scary, but also brings more of those feelings of relief.

I need to do this, I need to stop pushing all the feelings aside and internalising the stress, because if I dont deal with it now, the next time my coping mechanisms fail, fainting will be the least of my worries.